The recent Monday night teachings on equanimity and forgiveness have provoked me to dig a little deeper into my practice, into this “shenpa” or attachment of mine that shows up daily. Breaking down the ego is quite a process, and it seems like it’s only the beginning of a life-long journey of “undoing”. Attempting to deconstruct the ego not only takes time but also some bravery, plenty of investigation and perseverance. One way to get in touch with our shenpa is by exploring the 4 Rs: Recognition, Refrain, Relaxing, and Resolve.
For most of my life, I found it important to internally build myself up to instill confidence and as a positive way of navigating my world. With that comes a tendency to lean more towards our own version of the ideal or perfect scenarios, which often leads to a narrow view of self-importance with some righteous indignation. So when we find ourselves in situations that trigger us, because we somehow think someone else is doing something “to me” or the circumstances are not how we envision them to be, we get hooked. BAM!
When we are faced with difficult people in our lives, it might be that we believe they aren’t subscribing to our storyline, they aren’t doing it “our way”, and that just ain’t right to us;) This brings up the concepts of dualism, separateness, superiority, and which leads the question: Why do we think we are better or any more special than the next guy? What makes us the authority? We don’t really know another’s story, what makes them tick, their burdens, but maybe we think we do. Then why doesn’t that allow us to simply give them a break?
We think others might be against us or contrary to us, but that’s our own internal struggle, our own narrative, and where we often get caught spinning. On the other hand, we have plenty of people in our lives holding us under scrutiny, judging us harshly or not forgiving us. How does that feel? We are all basically holding on a little too tight, which often leads to aggression and conflict. How do we soften, set it down for a little bit, and simply put, let that shit go?
Once I step off the cushion, I find myself in various circles and myriad experiences with limitless opportunities to get stuck. The current goal is to just catch myself whenever possible, failing miserably all the time. “There you go again”, talking shit, losing your awareness, puffing yourself up, judging others, being rigid, wanting perfection in some way, shape or form. Again, I find myself back to the internal investigation, weeding through our own BS, causes and conditions, afflictive emotions, habitual patterns, our tattered and confused minds. You push my buttons, but guess what, I push yours just as much! Our different versions of shenpa are constantly in full force, creating such a beautiful but big, fat mess all the time.
So, what do we do? Perhaps we just shift our way of thinking, as Tim says, “with a slight tilt of the head”, get curious, laugh more at ourselves and at the craziness that we fabricate in the tiny little bubbles of our world. Continue the practice of meditation towards a more relaxed and open state of mind. Meditation can help us wake up a little bit more, widen the lens and hold up the mirror more often. Easier said than done. We will always get hung up, but maybe the stickiness will wear off a bit.
And finally, as our beloved Pema Chödrön, who has coined the phrase, “Getting Unstuck” often says, choose a fresh alternative, tell yourself it’s “no big deal”, don’t scratch the itch, don’t bite the hook, be kinder, gentler and open hearted towards yourself and others.
Onward we go…..Thanks Tim, for such great lessons to apply in everyday life.
Written by Cathryn Mayer
Disclaimer: I am a lay practitioner with a beginner’s mind, merely spitting out my own version of the Dharma.